Thursday, December 31, 2015

Cousin Jody and the Wheel of Misfortune

I have this cousin named, Jody. When he was a baby, his momma dropped him on his head—more than once. Somehow he got accepted for Wheel of Fortune, so he goes out there last July, while I was in D.C. He wanted me to go with him, but I couldn’t get done in D.C. in time. So he goes out to California by himself.

He said he couldn’t sleep for days cause he was so-o-o excited. He shows up at the studio one Monday for the shooting. They take you through the game, sort of a dress rehearsal, first. They let you spin the wheel and stuff. I think he said they played a whole dummy game for practice. So him and the other contestants were real keyed up and ready to play for real.

Finally the real game begins, Jody wins the Toss-up puzzle and gets to spin first. He guesses a ‘T’ (good one!). There are 2 ‘T’s, so he spins again. He guesses an ‘S’ (another good one!) and sure enough, there are 2 of ‘em. Next he buys an ‘O’. And there are a couple of them. Spins again, and asks for an ‘R’.  There’s two ‘R’s.

Then he says, “Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle.” The host nods, and Jody says, “Anterian Pushonizer.”

So Pat Sajak does a double take and says, “What did you say?”

“Anterian Pushonizer.” Old Jody says it again, only with real conviction this time.

“I’m sorry, Jody. That is NOT correct. It’s Mary’s turn.”

Mary still has a very baffled stare all over her face. “Uh, I’ll spin, Pat,” she says. And she does. She lands on $550 and asks for a ‘D’. Bad idea, Mary!

So next it goes to Andrew and he spins the wheel and lands on “BANKRUPT.”

Then, you guessed it—it’s Jody’s turn again. He says, “Pat, I’d like to make another guess.”

So Pat looks worried, but what can he say? “Sure, Jody. Go ahead.”

“Anterian Pushonizer,” Jody guesses.

Pat and Vanna exchange looks of concern and bewilderment. They’re thinking, ‘Thank God this isn’t LIVE!’

“I’m sorry, Jody. That is incorrect.”

Mary blankly reaches over, spins the wheel and lands on $900. “I’ll take an ‘L’, Pat.”  Guess what? There are 5 ‘L’s.  As soon as Vanna reveals the ‘L’s and moves out of the way, Mary says, “I’d like to guess, Pat.” He looks relieved. With great deliberation, Mary announces, “Full-Color Illustrations.”

“Mary, that is correct.” The remaining puzzle letters are turned over and the audience starts applauding.

As soon as the whole puzzle is revealed, Jody shouts, “Hey, Pat, I thought you said the answer was not “Anterian Pushonizer.”

“It wasn’t, Jody. Mary’s guess was correct. The answer to the puzzle is, ‘Full-Color Illustrations.’”

So Jody runs over to the puzzle board (Vanna warily moves backward). He throws his hands up at the puzzle and says, “What do you call this? Anterian Pushonizer!

Pat’s had enough, so he motions for the stage hands to escort Jody from the studio, but first they have to catch him. He runs around and around the puzzle board, shouting, “Anterian Pushionizer, Anterian Pushonizer! See, I told you!”

He was finally caught and escorted off the studio lot. Needless to say, that particular show never aired.

Copyright© 2002 – Carolyn L. Sorrell – All Rights Reserved

SENSIBLE SHOES: A TALE OF TWO CORNS

Ever found yourself anyplace where you’ll be required to do quite a bit of walking—up, down; in, out; back and forth—and lo and behold! You’re wearing some truly torturous shoe wear?

Women are the ones who most often find themselves in this predicament. Why? It’s our vanity that drives us. All the other ladies are wearing cute sandals with toe rings. Or elegant platform heels with pointy toes (undoubtedly designed by a man, the incarnate seed of Satan himself!)

What do we do in response to this footwear challenge? Go to the nearest shoe store and purchase the very latest in fashion trends available to us. Hang the cost! Our feet will look adorable, the most excellent at the party, or else!

While we’re at it, we’ll get a pedicure. And the cutest toe ring we can find. And we’ll show up at this party/convention/family get-together/trip to Six Flags/day at the beach with the most wonderful feet possible. Our feet will be deliciously attractive. They will lure all the men (even the ones who are not available) and make ALL the women insanely jealous.

Our goal here is simple:  we are driven to best every woman within ten miles! And make it look effortless. This is one of the games we ladies play. And most of us not only enjoy playing it, but we’re good at it. That’s what makes it so much fun; we’re just so damn good at it!

So here’s the current predicament in my own life: I’m in Michigan. Staying at a classy hotel. All these bitches have the look of gold; born to luxury and privilege. My challenge (if I choose to except it) is to find and wear cuter shoes.

But here’s the problem:  there’s a lot of walking. The meeting room is on one end of the hallway; the coke machine on another; the rest room on still another. There’s no close-up parking because the hotel is packed. 150 inspectors from all over the US are here attending all the same briefings and shit that you are.

So you reluctantly park a block away and walk carrying a laptop, a 1-inch thick manual, a notebook, your purse, which is stuffed with all your regular junk plus bottled water and a soft drink. You walk…and walk….and walk…all day, every day for three long days. Result:  hellacious corns!

Will we women ever learn? Probably not. In fact, the Vegas bookies have it 3 to 1 against. We are victims of Wall Street, genetic engineering, age-old rivalry.


Whatever you blame it on, know this: there are foot remedies at your local Walmart. Take advantage of them. And take comfort knowing this: you do not walk alone!