Thursday, October 25, 2018

“Please Be Fresh!” I Screamed At A Loaf of Bread

Lest you think I’m crazy, let me tell you the backstory. I discovered Croissants a while back so I try to get them at least monthly.

For this week’s menu, I bought a big hen to boil and make chicken salad. I bought lots of fruit. My menu plan was a chicken salad sandwich on croissant and a bowl of fresh fruit each day. This is one of my favorite meals.

I ordered my groceries from a new place this time: – They promised great prices and free delivery on all the products I know and love. I shouldn’t really fall for these marketing ploys since I often write these ads myself for a living.

Anyway, when the store employee went to gather my groceries, he marked the store as “OUT” of croissants. I’ve never been to Walmart when they were completely out. They usually have 4, 6, and 8 packs of large and small croissants. My Shipt shopper would have notified me by text message so I could make a different selection, but this guy just skipped it.

So that left me with a big juicy chicken that was ready to be made into chicken salad and no bread for a sandwich.

So finally after a few days of trying to make do, I ordered from Shipt. I asked for croissants but noted that if they were out, just bring a loaf of Mrs. Bairds bread. So she brought me a 12 pack of mini croissants. I was so excited. Finally, I could get my chicken salad on croissant. I went to work peeling apples and washing grapes for my fruit bowl (my life is so simple and boring).

Then I opened the package. These croissants had the gray look of bread going bad. I checked the expiry date. It was the 25th and that was yesterday. So I knew the croissants were very close to growing their own hair.

*Deep Sigh* - I made a sandwich anyway with them but it wasn’t great.

Last night 7-11 sent me an email telling me I could get free delivery if I’d sign up for their new service. 7-11 has bread and milk, I thought, so why not? I signed up and then today I placed my order.

A young guy brought me my stuff from 7-11 just a few minutes ago. I was kind of impressed because he didn’t have to call me to find my apartment. This complex has no sign on building 7—only on buildings 6 and 8.

Delivery drivers usually call me and say, “I see building 6 and building 8, but I don’t see building 7.”

Of course, I’m a smart ass, so I typically reply, “Well, just think about it a minute. Where do you think the builders would have put building 7? Do you think they just forgot to build it? Or could it be between buildings 6 and 8?”

Just because there’s no sign, doesn’t mean there’s no building. I’m deeply concerned about the intelligence of our young generation.

Anyway, I took the bag of groceries from the dude, thanked him and then laid it on the kitchen counter. I pulled the bread out, which the guy had tried his best to crush, and that’s when I yelled, “Please Be Fresh!”

It was. The expiry date was November 5th so I quickly made myself a chicken salad sandwich before anything else could happen. It was good.

I ordered Cheetos too. Why are Cheetos so addictive? They must be coating them with some kind of orange colored cocaine. I ordered a Pepsi too but don’t tell my doctor. He gets a really ugly look on his face if I mention drinking any type of carbonated beverage. Then he reminds me that all cola products have 16 teaspoons of sugar.

I tried my best not to think of his words so I could enjoy my Pepsi! But it didn’t work. I only drank about a third of it, then put the rest back in the fridge. At least I got my sandwich though. I’m thinking of throwing all those croissants out in the courtyard. We have lots of birds and rabbits here.

They probably don’t know or care about expiration dates. I envy them!