God blessed me with parents who were flawed. They had weaknesses they were never able to conquer. Still I loved them. My parents were ordinary people; there was nothing at all exceptional about them. My dad drove a taxi in downtown Dallas for years.
My mom was a waitress at Bob White’s Barbecue over by White Rock Lake. Daddy once had an affair with a well-known stripper downtown. Momma once stole a package of ham from the Winn-Dixie.
I knew all their weaknesses when I was still just a little girl playing out in the street with my brothers. I knew mama drank too much and daddy had a gambling problem. I still loved them.
I remember when Daddy was dying – he lived in Tyler so we had to make a 2 hour trip to see him. But we went at least once a month. We spent time with daddy. We went out to Luby’s to eat. We went to the store and bought groceries. I still remember all those times we spent with daddy when he just had 4 or 5 months left to live.
A lot of stuff has happened to me throughout my life. I always think about my parents. What would they say or how would they handle this? All you have to do is figure that out then do the opposite. Because my parents never made good choices. They always screwed up.
I knew all that at a young age, but I still loved them so much. I cared if they were sick or lonely. I think that’s one thing I miss the most about this part of my life. No one cares about me. No one cares if I live or die. It’s a lonely feeling. It’s hard to admit. I wish it wasn’t true. But I’ve always been true to myself so I have to admit that no one really knows me at all – but it finally stopped mattering to me.
I once cared a lot about all this shit. It really would bother me to work so hard to be an amazing mom and then just be completely rejected AND for no fucking reason (pardon the word—it fits here).
The one thing that stands out is that I always believed that you reap what you sow. But I look around and that isn’t true. Men who have lied, cheated, stolen, assaulted women—they’re running some of our biggest companies. Are they reaping what they’ve sown? No! They’re miserable human beings with no integrity but they’re ultra wealthy. So try and figure that out.
Why do they teach us at church that you reap what you sow? What’s your evidence to support this statement? Why in hell should I believe that?
So many questions, so little time. I leave you with this: If you don’t have any flawed, imperfect people in your life, then go out and get some!
When all your friends are sweet Christian people who would never do anything wrong—when none of your friends has anything in their lives they can’t master – then you aren’t going to learn anything important from those people.
You learn something valuable from people like my parents. Ask ME how divorce feels or how it feels to come near to dying but survive—how it feels inside a Category 4 hurricane. Ask me about raising kids—about being left behind. About striving for something your whole life only to have it just out of your reach.
I can tell you so much about Dallas, about canning, about gardening, about writing—but I don’t know anything about love or relationships. How is that possible? I’m hoping it’s more common than most people think—that way, I won’t be a total freak!
But, if that indeed is what I am, then may I accept my fate with grace. That’s all we can do at the end of the day. Just try to go out with some dignity and grace.